Freedom in Christ Session 11: Relating to Others

Understanding Grace

In Matthew 22:37-40 Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love you neighbour as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

As Christians are calling is to love others as we love ourselves. It’s a very challenging commandment. How can we love those who seem unlovable, how can we love those people who we find so difficult to get along with? The reality is that left to ourselves we cannot, but with God we can start to love others as we are meant.

Just as knowing who we are in Christ is the foundation for our Christian life, it also forms the basis for the way we relate to other people. “We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19) We give freely because we have received freely (Matthew 10:8). We are merciful because He has been merciful to us (Luke 6:36), and we forgive in the same way that Jesus has forgiven us.

We have received God’s amazing grace, his undeserved forgiveness, love and mercy, and the more we experience this, then the more we begin to find that we want to give it away to others.

We are responsible for our own character and others’ needs.

So how should we treat others?

First of all, as Christians we are called not to judge others. And yet we live in a culture that loves to judge other people. Think about the column inches that are devoted in newspapers and magazines to people in the public eye, the way in which people are built up, only to be teared down, and we are invited us to do the same. Or think for a moment how easy it is when you are involved in a dispute with someone to start broadening the issue and attacking the person’s character. For example, imagine two people are having an argument because one of them forgot to put the washing on, and all of the sudden one of the people says, ‘You’re so selfish’, or ‘You’re completely useless’, they have suddenly attacked the character of the other person and this can be tremendously hurtful.
Paul says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others. You attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” (Phillipians 2:3-5).

As Christians we have a responsibility for the way we behave, and the way we treat others. Imagine what life would be like if everyone assumed their responsibility to become like Christ in their character, and committed themselves to meet the needs of everyone around them. It would utterly transform our world!

I don’t think any of us would disagree with that. The big question is why we fail to live it out.

Being aware of our own sins

All too often we are very aware of the character failures of others while appearing blind to our own. We notice the speck of dust in our brother’s eye, whilst ignoring the whopping great plank that sticks out of our own eye.
In the Bible, whenever anyone has a powerful encounter with God, their response is to suddenly become aware of their own sinfulness, rather than the sinfulness of others. For example, when Isaiah has a vision of God in the Temple his immediate response is “Who to me! I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.” In Luke 5, when Jesus appropriated Peter’s boat to speak to the crowds that had gathered, Jesus orders Peter to put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch. Peter obeys, and starts pulling in fish after fish, and he suddenly realises that someone very special was in the boat with him, and his response is “Go away from me Lord, I am a sinful man.”

When we see God for who He is, we become much more aware of our own failings and short comings. But when our relationship with God is lukewarm, we tend to overlook our own sin and see the sin of others. And so when people don’t match up to our expectations, we have a tendency to say they are doing wrong and point it out.

Focus on responsibilities rather than rights

In every relationship we have both rights and responsibilities, the temptation we are often faced with, is to focus more on our rights rather than our responsibilities.

For example, do parents have a right to expect their children to be obedient? Or do they have a responsibility to bring them up lovingly and wisely? Do we have the right to criticise others, or do we have a responsibility to relate to one another with the same love and acceptance we have received from Christ?

The answer is that as Christians we need to focus on our responsibilities before our rights, which in today’s climate is very counter cultural.

Paul in Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building up others according to their needs, that it might benefit those who listen.” As Christians we are to build one another up. One of the most destructive and damaging forces that we see at work in the world, and also within church is gossip. I have known many situations where tremendous harm has been caused by gossip, and there should be absolutely no place for it in the life of the church. But yet the temptation to gossip is very strong indeed.

There were four vicars who met for a friendly gathering. During the conversation one vicar said, "Our people come to us and pour out their hears, confess certain sins and needs. Let's do the same. Confession is good for the soul." In due time all agreed. One confessed he liked to go to movies and would sneak off when away from his church. The second confessed to liking to smoke cigars and the third one confessed to liking to play cards. When it came to the fourth one, he wouldn't confess. The others pressed him saying, "Come now, we confessed ours. What is your secret or vice?" Finally he answered, "It is gossiping and I can hardly wait to get out of here."

The evangelist Billy Graham once said, “A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip!”

As Christians the three essential rules we need to remember when speaking about others are:
1 Is it true?
2 Is it kind?
3 Is it necessary?

When we are attacked

How do we respond if someone attacks our character? Should we be defensive? The temptation certainly is to be. But how did Jesus react when it happened to him? “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” (1 Peter 2:23)

When someone says something to attack us, the natural and immediate response is to try and defend ourselves, but sometimes this leads only to further conflict.

For example, a women called her pastor and made an appointment to see him. She had written a list of the good and bad points about him that she wanted to discuss. There were just two good points and a whole page of bad ones! As she read each point, the pastor was tempted to defend himself, but said nothing. When she had finished, he said to her, “it must have taken a lot of courage to share that list with me. What do you suggest I do?” At that point she started crying and said, “Oh, it’s not you, it’s me!” A helpful discussion followed which led her to a different ministry position which was more suited to her gifting. What if the pastor had defended himself against any one of her allegations, we can’t say for certain, but it is unlikely the matter would have been resolved so positively.

If you can learn not be defensive when someone exposes your character defects or attacks your performance you may have an opportunity to turn the situation around and minister to that person.

Acceptance & Love

As Christians we are accepted and loved unconditionally by our Heavenly Father. And as Christians we too should learn to accept and affirm others for who they are, rather than what we would like them to be.

For example, suppose a teenager comes home late and a parent responds in an overbearing way and asks angrily, “Where have you been?” The teenager will probably say just one word: “Out!” At which the parent asks, “What were you doing?” And the teenager will respond by saying “Nothing!” But if that parent had approached that teenager with an attitude of acceptance rather than rejection, of love rather than condemnation, the response may have been very different.

Our own needs

What about our own needs, how do we express these in a helpful and constructive and helpful manner?

If we have a particular need, we need to be very careful how we express it. The problem is that it can all too easily come out as a criticism rather than as a need. A need must be stated as a need, and not a judgement. Suppose a wife doesn’t feel loved; she might say to her husband “You don’t love me any more, do you?” And you can imagine the husband responding “Of course I do!” And that’s the end of that. It wasn’t stated as a need. It was judgement of her husband’s character. Suppose she said, “I just don’t feel loved right now, and I need to be.” By turning the ‘you’ judgement to an ‘I’ need, she has expressed her need without blaming anybody. Her husband now has the opportunity to meet that need.

We all need to feel loved, accepted and affirmed. In Galatians 6 Paul writes that we reap what we sow. Jesus said “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). It is one of life’s great compensations that we cannot sincerely help somebody else without helping ourselves in the process. If you want somebody to love you, love somebody. If you want to a friend, be a friend. You get out of life what you put into it. Jesus said in Luke 6:38 “Give and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” If we do just enough to “get by” the truth is we are robbing ourselves.

If you wanted to give someone a bushel of wheat, you could slowly fill the bushel basket and scrape off the top with a board. That would be a fair measure. The Lord is suggesting, however, that we fill it until it overflows, and even shake it so that it settles. Whatever we measure out to others comes measuring back to us. Whatever life asks of you, give just a little bit more. Do that with everything and you will be amazed at what life has to offer.